The girl in a big world.

Friday, October 20, 2017

Cosy pictures go well with everything. So, I really hope you like them and you don’t mind me actually saying how I feel. 
It’s Friday night and I just finished my first week in a new job.
I’ve never thought that I will end up in a high rise building, between 1400 other people, being just a tiny lego brick in this whole puzzle. 
Yes, I landed in an office. 
That’s why last Sunday I went to park, to take some photos, because I was pretty sure that on this particular Monday morning my heart will stop and my head explodes. 
But hey, I’m a lego brick!
I had to stop being a child with a job that doesn’t even pay my bills. 
I was frightened, but on this very Monday morning I put my feet in a fancy lobby to start a new life again. 
Without any experience, without any diploma, with a crazy storm in my head I’ve made it to this point. 
I know nothing about business, let’s be clear. I know how to play piano and how to mix watercolours. But business, finances? 
I almost fell apart from panic, when the lady offered some coffee. I was biting the paper cup very nervously and a manager was all happy about welcoming us in the company. 
Twenty one people in the room, one by one talking about their experience. It made my hands shake, my legs faint. What do I say? WHAT DO I SAY, when I have nothing to say?
I’m Mary, I’m 27, I know three languages. 
Is it enough? It had to be. Cause I won my place in there only by talking about YouTube algorithms, Apple Event in Steve Jobs Theater and a short story that I speak english since I was three. 
English is the official language in the company cause almost half of the employees is from another countries. 
People are very nice in there. Helpful, caring, kind. My trainer is from Greece, she’s very sweet. 
Just my brain keeps messing with me. I’m spaced out more and more often - that’s an important point to tell to my psychiatrist. It’s gonna get me into troubles one day, I know it. 
My brain keeps shutting down when I try to work, I lose control. I hate losing control. 
I smile. I smile a lot. To everyone. Just to look perfect on my new position. And my head is screaming louder and louder, with every minute, cause I have no moment to get rid of emotions. My relationship with the elevator started very passionately - at first it was the only place I could be alone. And now it’s the only witness of me, bursting in tears from anger that I can’t breathe. 
I’m cool. I’m okay. Just suffocating and unsafe, it makes me unstable. 
I’m still learning how to cope. And I know it will pass and I’ll be fine. But it’s the waiting what’s hard.
This waiting for it to pass. 

Stay warm

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