Oh 2017, you've been so messy.

Saturday, January 20, 2018

In January they sent me to work in another bookstore. People working there were slightly weird. But I tried to fit in. I always fit in when I have to.
But it was difficult this time for real. Every day I was getting more and more tired. My mind didn't need a lot of time to start failing me again. Endless tiredness, headaches and vulnerability. It really reminded me my sleepless nights, when I was working in a print shop, physically wasted and permanently sad. I didn't sign up for this.

I started to fly away again. Turning myself off. Every time I had any stress I was just not there. When I totally lost control, my doc diagnosed episodes of derealization.
It was another thing I had to be aware of in my everyday life.
Staying focused became impossible. I was doing really decent on the outside. But inside of me there was too much fear, unconfidence and doubt.
I had no reason to feel so but I still did. Overwhelmed.
Spring brought me days full of sleep. I can't really remember any of it, I have no photos of blooming trees I used to take every year.
I dreamed of snow covering me up like a pile of leaves in a cold, January mornings. It didn't happen.
There was July already.
My job became a nightmare. I knew this bomb will explode sooner than later. It did, in a pretty awful way. I got fired. The way it happened broke me, I was over it yet still - not completely. I had some savings, I decided to leave. I traveled for two months, visiting every single one of my favourite polish cities. I tried to forget and get up one day, thinking "I am ready now."
I wasn't. And the money disappeared very quickly.
September arrived too soon. It surprised me, caught me asleep. I had to get a job. A decent one. I applied for the one I have now. I had no expectations. But I got in - and that was the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I realized that there's a place where you will be supported and liked. And wanted.
Cause the previous boss said straight into my face that she didn't want me there from the beginning. Well.
I started in October, now I'm ready to teach others. I like what I do and I just want to hang out with these people.
I met my old crush in there. Found out he's working few floors above me. Never saw him again.
The year was ending, so were my relations with people that used to be my friends. I deleted my facebook profile and created a new one, just to stay informed with the most important things.
I found peace.
And realized that emptiness is not my bubble anymore. It is me now.
I can barely see behind my cloud of loneliness.
I had a conversation with a friend about living alone. He said it’s sad and empty. And then I realized again - I can’t even afford to live alone. But I will, I promise.
I spent Christmas on my own, just sitting a few moments with my family. New Years spent with Edyta saved the year.
Nothing changed. I’m just a year older. I’m just a little bit more bitter, a little colder. But I’m doing great. I’m alive and I truly like my job. It’s all I have.
I start 2018 in a positive way. Will I achieve something more this year?

One thing just came back to my mind...
Last summer I was just out for some milk, I saw a little baby bird dead on the pavement. It looked like he fell out of his nest on the rooftop.
For a few seconds I swear I could only hear the beating of my own heart. I looked up and down few times...
And I turned into a mess so quickly, I became all hysterical.
The only thing I had in my head was the fact that this little, precious creature made such an effort to get out of his shell and yet he still died on a concrete of this little path.
I couldn't calm down, I ran straight home, choking cause I couldn't catch any air. There was only my sister who had really no idea how to help me.
This is what I am now. Calm and quiet or fully hysterical. There's no middle ground.

ps: here's a sneak peak of my book's cover. This is one of my first designs.

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