Crisp and cold.

Thursday, February 22, 2018

I've had these photos for a while now. I took them during one of the most inspiring days I've ever had.
I promised to give you something to read this time but I don't have any words for now. I try to settle them in my journal. Maybe soon it will be ready for your eyes to see. In the meantime I will take care about my stress level, which is pretty high recently. It's only temporary, but I need warmth and I'm going to give myself all the time I need.

A Frozen Kingdom

Sunday, February 11, 2018

The only thing I managed to do today was to make myself an instant soup and a cup of tea. I try to soothe my headache with viking melodies - they do it pretty well, but every minute a song stops the ache hits harder.
Today I come to you with some snapshots we took yesterday - during our little family roadtrip. Believe me or not - roadtrips and holidays with my parents are the best. I'm never too old for that. Of course, when I was a teenager, I thought I already am too old for that. How wrong I was then!
It was damn cold yesterday but it only gave me better photos - the first one was taken with my phone (I love this one so much) and the rest was caught in between filming my new short film (check it out HERE).
I hope to come back to you with something longer to read later this week. But now - it's time to watch some good Pride and Prejudice.

Hey February.

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Today is about missing people.
I have to admit that this post is inspired by Mike Shinoda’s new song - „Over Again”.
Since Chester’s death I wasn’t able to listen to Linkin Park, but I heard this song by accident. And I don’t regret it.

„Sometimes, sometimes you don’t say goodbye once, you say goodbye over and over again.”

It touched me deeply cause I had no idea I can relate to this so much. I don’t know if it’s a normal thing or it’s just my damaged self, but almost all people I’ve ever lost are still alive and present in my dreams. Always when I don’t take my sleeping pills I can see them, talk to them and look at them as a part of my life. Like I’m back in the past every night when I’m asleep.
And in the morning, when I open my eyes I say goodbye again. And again.
And they are all back in their own lives. Not in mine.
It’s kind of like opening the same wounds every morning. I’m used to it  - I think. But the song made me focus on it a little bit more, as it touched my every nerve, my every cell. It feels like I’m living two diferent lives - the old one at night and the present one during the day.
This weird duality is sucking energy of me. The ghosts are living in my shade and I cannot scare them away. Instead they scare me to the bone. Make me cold and shaky. It's been too many years I live along them. They live along me side by side. They're the dearest to me but I cannot do this anymore. I want to let them go. I tell them to go every day. I'd be lighter alone. Or maybe I'd let someone else in?
I wish I knew what stops them. Are they watching over me?
February is the month of self care.
I’m kind of on the edge. Work is stressful lately. Nothing’s bad, but some global changes are coming. And I’m terryfied that we may lose our jobs. Too soon.
But it’s just me overreacting. We have no, absolutely no power to do anything with it or against it. I just need to wait and do my thing.
I need to write it in here for me to see every day: It’s going to be okay.
It’s the fifth day I feel the urge to harm myself. But I’m so bored with this urge that I keep scrolling through youtube and distracting myself. This is crazy.
I’m going to lock myself away for the weekend. Sleep it through.