"You're breaking hearts again."

Sunday, April 8, 2018

A friend sent me her favorite playlist. Almost 200 songs from our high school times.
It took me 12 years back in time to days I was young, innocent, spontaneous, free and... happy. I can say, I was happy then.
All these songs literally dragged me through all years, one by one, to push me forward and back all over again.
I cried, I laughed and I went through my old diaries - it was an emotional journey for a Thursday afternoon.
I got out of bed an 8:00 p.m. absolutely drained and very sad. But most of all - I could breathe deep. I let all my feelings leave my chest and go away. I needed that so much.
I realized how much clutter I had inside. Do you know this feeling?
My family asks me if my computer is broken - I play only one song all over again. It’s Remedy by 30 seconds to mars. I don’t know what in it makes me soft inside but I really like the way it feels. Okay, I know what makes me feel like that - but let’s act like I’m an adult and leave this topic.
I feel that it’s important to mention that I have some auto destructive behaviors again. I’m trying to keep it as low as I can but it’s tougher every day.
Fortunately the weather gives me some sun as a distraction. It feels so great to wear my old, jeans jacket that remembers many, many crazy years. And these years were not mine.
I’ve seen the new Tomb Rider movie. I wish I haven’t really.

Every time I try to let you go, 
I realize how much of you is still left in me, 
cause I'm losing you for ages 
and it's still too much left. 

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